Five Magic Hours That Could Save Your Marriage

Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and leading US relationship expert who has conducted studies of thousands of couples at his “Love Lab” at The Gottman Institute in Seattle for over 30 years.  One of the ‘bibles’ for Relationship Coaches is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, co-authored by Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver.

In this book, Dr. Gottman describes a follow up study of couples who had previously attended workshops with The Gottman Institute, in which the researchers looked for what might distinguish couples whose marriages continued to improve from those whose marriages did not.  They were surprised to find that couples whose relationships continued to be strong were devoting only an extra five hours a week to their marriages.  Gottman calls these The Magic Five Hours.

Gottman found that these small, but important, steps when done consistently will improve and strengthen your relationship. At the end of the week, the total time for these steps is approximately five hours (that’s less than one hour a day to spend on your relationship!).

Partings—when you part in the morning make sure you’ve learned about one thing happening in your partner’s day. Estimated time: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 10 minutes per week

Reunions— Spend 20 minutes at the end of each workday to reconnect and talk about your day. Such a conversation with reduce your stress at the end of the day. Estimated time: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 1 hour, 40 minutes per week

Admiration and Appreciation—Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week

Affection—Kiss, hold, grab and touch each other while you’re together – be playful with each other.  Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. A kiss can be a way to let go of any minor irritations that may have built up over the day. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week

Weekly Date—Take at least two hours every week to stay connected in a low-pressure way.  Use the time to talk to get to know each other even more, update each other about important issues, go out on a date, and enjoy being together. You can also use the time to work through any arguments or issues that may have come up. Estimated time: 2 hours per week

This minimal amount of time spent regularly could go a long way in keeping your marriage on track!

A Coaching Moment:

• What has to change in your daily routine to make an extra 5 hours for each other (and for your marriage) over the course of a week?
• What would be some fun things to do together?
• What do you want more of from your spouse, and your relationship?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you are curious about what Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching can do for you and your spouse, or partner(s) or team, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

The Third Entity of Co-Leaders

My coaching partner and I have just completed an amazing three-day intensive ‘Co-Facilitation’ workshop, delivered through the Center for Right Relationship (CRR).  Besides being a wonderful weekend where we were immersed in the stuff of coaching and relationships (which we love), we had fabulous learning around our strengths and abilities as co-leaders, or co-facilitators, of the coaching programs and workshops we deliver together.

Since we had completed CRR’s Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching program in 2007, we were already aware of the concept of the “Third Entity,”  which can be described as the voice of a “system.”  The relationship between my partner and me is a separate entity in and of itself, and has its own needs and voice.  The key in Relationship and Systems Coaching is to tune into the voice of the Third Entity.

This workshop focused on training our Third Entity, and using what we learned in the delivery of a brief presentation to the other participants using a specific experiential learning model (which I think is a fantastic model).  Boy, did we learn a lot!  Concepts such as completing each other’s thoughts, showing a united front, casting spells, using roles of ‘teacher’, ‘colleague’ and ’starwalker’, and how to handle ’yellow balls’ & ’sceamers’ (learnings you want in the room & unexpected questions or comments) kept us on our toes (and kept me exhausted!).  The weekend was truly magical and empowering.

Our Third Entity was encouraged to bring out more playfulness, be more provocative, and ’sparkle’ more. It is very exciting for us work on ‘being’ more this way and add these elements into our delivery.  I think this will allow us to provide even more impactful programs and workshops.

A Coaching Moment:

• What are the qualities of your and your partner’s (or team members’) Third Entity?
• What qualities are wanting to be allowed to shine even more?
• How could you encourage your partner and/or other team members to take a look at how your Third Entity could be even more powerful?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you are curious about what Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching can do for you and your partner(s) or team, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

The Wake Up Women Book Cover is Out!

 

WAKE UP WOMEN BE HAPPY, HEALTHY & WEALTHY

I am pleased to show you the cover of the book that I’m a part of – Wake Up Women’s BE Happy, Healthy & Wealthy – which is the first of a new series of books to be published by Wake Up Women.  This book is a compilation of inspiring stories written by over 40 dynamic women (most of whom are coaches) from a variety of backgrounds.  These stories are meant to empower women in their own lives; it covers many areas - relationships, prosperity, health, and spirituality.  The women in these stories talk about having the courage to alter their perceptions, their reality, and ultimately change their lives; these are women who have been where you are.

The authors include Debbie Allen, Terri Amos-Britt, Amy Applebaum, Nicole Brandon, Arielle Ford, Loral Langemeier, and other expert professionals, authors and master coaches from around the world, including some of my colleagues – Anne Berry, Alice Comer, Billie Jenkin, Sheila Pearl, Arlene Rannelli, Pam Robertson, Erica Rueschhoff, Michelle Sanchez - and, of course, me! 

This has been an intensive and exciting learning experience!  The Wake Up Live and Wake Up Women teams have been hugely supportive; we are offered regular tele-classes for developing our business platform and learning marketing strategies.  Many of the co-authors also participate on several conference calls each week to discuss our own businesses, developing alliances with each other, networking strategies, learning on-line social networking and other ‘high-tech’ stuff, and making plans to meet each other.  We are all learning a lot and are enjoying getting to know each other.

We, the co-authors, will be receiving the first editions of the book in October, 2008. These will be limited and in soft-cover, and you can request a signed copy of one directly from one of the co-authors.  So – email me if you’d like me to reserve a copy of this limited edition for you!

We also have a dream of reaching the New York Times Best Seller List with this book and, in order to do this, the book is available for pre-orders for the 2nd edition. To reserve a copy of the 2nd edition of Wake Up Women’s BE Happy, Healthy & Wealthy (which will be a hard cover copy), please go to www.wuwbestseller.com.  There is no obligation to actually purchase anything at this time (or in the future if you change your mind).

When you reserve a copy of the book, you will immediately receive 3 free gifts, which are electronic downloads. You will be asked for your name and email address, and how you heard about Wake Up Women. You will receive a further 3 emails from Wake Up Women over several months with offers to purchase other teleclasses and/or electronic booklets which they are making available as special offers connected to this campaign.  Again, there is no obligation to purchase any of these items if you do not want them. The final offer to purchase a copy of the book will come prior to the release of the 2nd edition, which is scheduled for February 2009.

Please let me know if you or any friends of yours sign up to reserve a copy of the book, so I can include you on my list of contacts for further updates about the book!

A Coaching Moment:

• What is happening in your life that you are excited about?
• If its, ‘nothing’ – then what could you get excited about?
• If there is something and you need to take some action, what’s the next step for you to take to get closer to making it happen?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Wishing you an exiciting day!

Warmly,
Jennifer

Happy Father’s Day

Father’s Day has just passed, and I feel grateful to have so many men in my life to wish “Happy Father’s Day” to.

My husband, Chris, is a fantastic Dad to his 3 kids, and I’m very proud of the relationship he has with them.

My own Dad has been a model of love and compassion my whole life, and a lot of fun. He’s just returned from a 2-week trip to Scotland where he and my brother enjoyed a ’scotch-and-golf’ adventure.  I saw him last weekend at a family picnic, and will see him again next week when we have our annual family golf tournament (we all golf – my parents, siblings and most of our kids).

I am also fortunate to have two fathers-in-law!  One is my first – my first husband, Kenn’s father, with whom I’m still in touch and call on special occasions. I’ve know him since 1975 (today would have been my and Kenn’s 30th wedding anniversary).

My relationship with my second father-in-law is fairly new; Chris and I have been married just over 1 year, although I have been welcomed in my new in-laws’ home with open arms for 6 years now.

I know that not everyone has such good fortune.  Although my step-kids’ parents are divorced, the kids are fortunate to have exceptional parenting on both sides. Special days are shared and even on weekends when its not ‘his turn,’ Chris is able to spend the entire Father’s Day with them.

I came across the following tips about shared parenting on special days, written by Carolyn B. Ellis on SelfGrowth.com:

Divorce and separation can mean that special family holidays, like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, can end up being stressful and full of conflict. When you’re separated or divorced, what kind of role does the ex-spouse play in helping the children show that for their other parent?

Here are a few tips to ensure you can enjoy these special holidays!

1. Make a Plan in Advance

It’s important to be prepared in advance of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Agreement on how to handle these days can be included as part of your parenting plan. If at all possible, it’s great when the children can spend at least some time with the parent who has the special day happening. Don’t leave who’s going to be where with whom until the last minute.

 

2. Be Prepared to Give and Take
Negotiating with a former spouse is never easy, but you can gain a lot of cooperation in the long-term by being willing to reciprocate. One good turn deserves another. If the children are scheduled to be with their Dad on Mother’s Day, ask if you can arrange a switch or at least a part of the day that the kids can be with Mom. Offer to reciprocate in kind when Father’s Day rolls around.

3. Keep The Children’s Best Interests in Mind
Keep your children’s best interests at the top of your priority list. Unfortunately there seem to be divorced parents out there who need reminding of this. If you have power struggles going on with your ex, use a divorce coach or other professional to work it out so you can keep your children out of the cross-fire. Put yourself in the shoes of your children and see what would serve them best in this situation.

4. Support Your Children To Celebrate the Other Parent
Children sometimes need help and encouragement to express their appreciation for their parent, particularly when they are young. Even though you may not feel like sending off a Happy Mother’s Day card yourself, your children will. Remind them that a special day is coming up and see what they need. Perhaps you can take them to the drug store to get a gift, or ensure they have supplies so they can make their own card.

 

5. Creating Special Moments
Ultimately Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not about the gifts. It’s about creating and sharing special moments with Mom or Dad. Teach your children it isn’t necessary to “buy” a gift. Simple events like a board game, walk in the park, or preparing Mom or Dad breakfast in bed can be far more meaningful to both the parent and the child.

6. New Partners in the Picture
When Mom or Dad has someone new in the picture, should the children celebrate them too? It depends on the nature of the relationship. Follow your children’s lead in this department. If they want to include the new step-mom or step-dad, that’s great! If it feels awkward or disloyal to them, don’t force it upon them just because it might make you feel better.

 

 

See Carolyn’s article at http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/divorce_politics_6_tips_to_handle.html

 

A Coaching Moment:

What’s important to you about how you celebrate Special Family Days?

If you have children, how do you teach them the importance of maintaining good relationships?

Happy Belated Father’s Day to all you Dads out there!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you are curious about what Relationship Coaching can do for you and your partner, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

Fun at Relationship Retreat in Muskoka

My husband and I have just returned from a fun Relationship Retreat in beautiful Muskoka (Ontario).  We joined another couple and our two facilitators, Jennifer & Sharon, to spend the weekend fully focused on our relationship and building on the fire and passion that already exists in our relationship (we’ve been married just over a year, after all!).

We came away from the weekend with more clarity around how we want to BE together, what core values we hold as a couple, a vision for our future together and an action plan to move toward goals that we have set for our relationship.  I think its a great way to start off a relationship, and a great way for any couple to re-connect at any point in their relationship.

As a Relationship Coach, I was familiar with some of the tools that Jennifer & Sharon used during the Retreat. There was still new learning for me as it provided a very special time for my husband and I to reconnect with each other and with what is most important to us as a couple.  Getting away from the hustle and bustle of our usually hectic pace of life was a joy, indeed, and I let Jennifer & Sharon know that we would love to return on an annual basis for a refresher. It would be a wonderful way to celebrate each wedding anniversary!

• When was the last time you were able to sit down with your partner and talk about how to create the best relationship ever?
• How do you articulate what’s working and what’s not working when you are relating to each other (that is, how you are BEING with each other)?
• When did you last discuss your dreams for your future?

A Relationship Wheel is a great tool that you can use to get the discussion started! You and your partner can each complete a wheel on your own (see My Favourite Resources), and then share your answers to the following questions with each other:

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how fulfilled am I, currently, in each focus area?
2. What would a fulfilled relationship look like for me in each focus area?
3. What would it take to become more fulfilled in each focus area? What could I do to raise my score?

Once you’ve shared your answers with each other, try standing in your partner’s shoes. Imagine what your relationship looks like from your partner’s perspective. What’s new for each you from this place?

I encourage you to check out Jennifer & Sharon’s site at Retreat 2 Muskoka for more information about their retreat offerings.

If you are curious about what Relationship Coaching could do for you and your partner, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

Yikes! I’ve submitted my story to Wake Up Women

Its gone!  I have emailed the final draft of my story to Wake Up Women for their new book, “Wake UP Women, BE Happy, Healthy & Wealthy.”  Whew - its great to have the story written and off my desk. I know there will be editing changes to come, but most of my work is done – well, except for the marketing! Its exciting to be a step closer to being published. It is a bit of a scary step, and I know I will be pleased with the results.

The book is scheduled to be published in October 2008. I’m told the publishers want to have a mock-up completed by early September so they can take it to the Emmy’s!  There are celebrity authors who have written stories for this book and the Emmy’s provides an opportunity for some of the celebrity authors to be photographed with a copy of the book in their hands.  That will be fun to see.  (I don’t even know, yet, who all of the celebrity authors are.)

My story will be in the “Relationships” section of the book, and I’ll publish a couple of excerpts here in the coming months (once the editing process is complete).  Watch for further information; the cover of the book is to be available in the next few weeks, and I’ll be happy to take pre-orders!

Fun Time with The Power of Leveraging Your Relationships

On April 16, 2008, my coaching colleague, Jennifer Britton and I delivered a workshop called The Power of Leveraging Your Relationships for the Greater Toronto Chapter of the International Coach Federation (ICF-GTA) in Toronto, Ontario.

We had a great time and had lots of positive feedback about a tool we used called a MetaSkills Wheel, which was developed and is a trademarked product of the Center for Right Relationship (CRR).

When we spend time consciously reviewing and evaluating the relationships we are in, both our personal and business lives, we discover that each relationship has its own power. Discovering and tapping into this power is the point of Relationship Coaching.

A MetaSkill is defined by CRR as a “philosophy, attitude or intention someone brings to a situation. It is an intentional stance from which a situation or event is viewed. It is using that intentional stance as a gateway through which to enter consideration of a person, event or situation. It is the atmosphere that shapes the ‘who’ that will engage… It is the spiritual art of relationship.”

The tool provides a way to view a particular relationship through a specific lens. In this particular exercise, we named seven ’intentional stances,’ which were Respect, Collaboration/Partnership, Commitment, Playfulness, Inquiry/Awareness, Deep Democracy and Heart.

If you were to look through the lens of each of these ‘intentional stances’ at an important relationship in your life, what would you notice?  What might be new for you about your relationship?

If you are curious and would like more information about Relationship Coaching, please drop me a line at trilogy@pathcom.com.

Warmly,
Jennifer

Welcome!

Welcome! This is an exciting start for me. I’ve been thinking about blogging for a while and was recently invited to co-author an upcoming book written by women coaches, which is to be published by Wake Up Women this fall! So I have decided to create a web presence.

Watch this site for more news about me, Jennifer Morgan, and my coaching practice.

Check http://wakeupwomen.com/ for news about the upcoming book, to be published in October 2008.