I’m Curious about the Relationship between Obama and Harper

I spent much of today watching our Canadian news coverage of the visit by President Barack Obama to our nation’s capital to spend some time with our Prime Minister, Stephen Harper. By most accounts, the visit was a success – certainly in terms of PR! I am very taken with the new US President (as many of us in Canada are); he seems very ‘real’, down to earth, and very personable. We loved that he chose Canada for his first visit as President, and a moment that I believe spoke volumes about the man I expect him to be was when he made a point of acknowledging the crowd that had gathered and waited (quite a while, in the cold) for him to arrive.

 

I am curious about how the relationship that is developing between our two leaders (and their respective teams) fits in with the model that I’ve been reviewing, from Patrick Lencioni’s The Five Dysfunctions of a Team.

 

Trust: This seems to me to truly be the basis of everything, and I think that’s the message from the model. If these two leaders don’t feel that they can trust each other (as has happened between some of our respective leaders in the past), we would end up with politicians unwilling to open up to each other about what’s important to them, and it seems unlikely that anything productive will ever happen.

 

Conflict: There’s bound to be conflict on some common issues, and our leaders have to be willing to put the issues and their thoughts about them on the table for discussion and debate. Otherwise, we’ll end up listening to veiled discussions and guarded comments. How refreshing it would be to have leaders who are willing to genuinely engage each other and discuss important issues without partisan politics!

 

Commitment: Each leader has to be able to rely on the other to be committed to an agreed-upon solution. One of the strongest points that came out of today’s meetings is that both leaders are wholly committed to the security of both countries; Canada is not less committed to the fight against terrorism than the US. I’m certain that both leaders will be wholly committed to a solution once they’ve fully discussed the issues.

 

I’ll discuss the fourth dysfunction, Avoidance of Accountability, in more detail in my next post, but for purposes of this discussion, we might see an avoidance of accountability if President Obama and Prime Minister Harper move forward without real commitment and buy-in to solutions. If they are able to achieve clarity and buy-in, they will each be in a better position to hold the other accountable for their actions.

 

 

Finally, the fifth dysfunction is Inattention to Results. It seems obvious that without accountability, the results don’t really matter. If individual needs become a priority over the collective goals of the team (our countries together, in this case), our leaders won’t really be paying attention to what’s going on over border.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

A Coaching Moment:

• What kind of ‘team’ do you think our leaders are creating?
• Where will they be challenged?
• What will be easy for them?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Are you curious about what Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching can do for you and your business partnership or team? Send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a complimentary sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

Honouring my Dad

This is a different post from my usual “business” focus, but its in my heart at the moment and is about relationships.

My father recently passed away, and I had the honour and privilege of sharing a very difficult time with my close-knit family. We surpassed my best expectations by making some difficult decisions together with dignity and respect for everyone involved.  Dad would have been very proud!

Perhaps my interest and skills in developing and maintaining relationships came from Dad; we were somewhat astounded as more than 200 people showed up for his memorial service. Dad had obviously made a positive impact on a lot of people in his all-too-short life.  All of Dad’s immediate family was together – including his 4 sisters and almost all of his nieces and nephews (there were others who would have come if they lived closer).  People flew in from several locations across North America.  It was truly moving.

I am most proud of my mom and siblings.  We had some tough decisions to make and we were fully caring and supportive of each other through all of those.  Each of us experienced wonderful concern and support from our many extended family and friends.

So, in loving memory of my Dad:

“And when a man looks at a bird or feels the wind on his face, we should want him to tell us, if telling is his job, not only what he sees but how it affects him, in calm or in pleasantness or in ecstasy, so that we may nod in understanding and go about our business, however grim, with greater heart.”
- Neil Gunn, Highlands writer, Memories of the Months, 1941

Miss you, Dad!

Gratitude

Today is Thanksgiving Day in Canada.  Even in this turbulent economic time, I feel that I have a great deal to be thankful for.

As I have read the news over the past few weeks (albeit sporadically – it’s not something I do every day), I am grateful that I am Canadian.  The Canadian economy is experiencing a downturn, along with the rest of the world - but we are not being as severely affected as our American neighbors.  Canadians also have a federal election tomorrow – but our issues, although important to us, do not seem to be quite as divisive as what our American neighbors are facing.  So, being a Canadian is a good thing!

Something that caught my eye in the newspaper this weekend was a special section on “Gratitude.”  There were ideas on strategies for expressing gratitude - keeping a gratitude journal, regularly contemplating the things we are grateful for, trying a mix of methods, and even expressing gratitude directly (imagine!) to someone to whom we owe a debt of gratitude.  (The ideas specifically described in the article come from The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Wantby Sonja Lyubomirsky.)  One article was a compilation of readers’ answers responses about what they were thankful for, and the following was particularly touching:

“I am thankful for the many scars on my body, my badges of honour from battling breast cancer twice in my 36 years of life. I am thankful for the taste of coffee, for hugging my boys and for freezing in a hockey arena – things I was once too weak to enjoy.” – Tina

October is the Canadian Cancer Society’s Breast Cancer Awareness month, and my sister recently completed the 60-km “Run for the Cure” in Toronto (she has a wonderful story of her own to tell).  I am grateful that all of my family is healthy.

I am also grateful to have been able to celebrate Thanksgiving with much of my family this weekend, and to have had a lovely visit with my daughter and some close friends last weekend. I am grateful for the wonderful food (that I didn’t have to cook), especially turkey and pumpkin pie (and I am grateful that I snagged some leftovers of each!).

I am grateful for the fabulous weather we are having this weekend and some quiet time together with my husband.

There are innumerable things – large and small - to be grateful for.  It doesn’t matter which you choose, it just matters that you DO choose to be grateful for what you have and that you acknowledge it.

If you don’t routinely express gratitude in your life – why not try it?!  One of the articles I read cited research conducted by Sonja Lyubomirsky in which one group was told to keep a gratitude journal in which they regularly jotted down the things they were grateful for. Another group was told to write down daily hassles and annoyances. Not surprisingly, the result was that members of the first group were happier and more optimistic - AND - they spent more time exercising and reported feeling healthier!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

A Coaching Moment:

·     What are you grateful for this season?

·     How do you express your gratitude? – and is it often enough for you?

·     If there is something that you would like more of, consider how expressing gratitude might increase your chances of getting more.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Warmly,
Jennifer

 

If you are curious about what Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching can do for you and your spouse, partner(s) or team, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Cruising the Pacific Coast Highway

I was very fortunate to have spent several days in California last week attending a networking/marketing conference held by Wake Up Live.  I met a wonderful group of my Wake Up Women co-authors; we were all very happy to finally meet each other (after spending 12 weeks on weekly calls), we learned a lot about each other and enjoyed spending time together.  I am really looking forward to a continued connection with this dynamic group of women!

An exciting development for our book is that the galley copies (which we got our hands on over the weekend!) will be in attendance at the Emmy Awards this week!  Our publishers were taking them for promotional photographs with the actors attending the Emmies – can’t wait to see those pictures!

Cruising the Pacific Coast Highway

As an added bonus to the weekend, I rented a brand new Sebring convertible and spent a day cruising up the Pacific Coast Highway from Newport Beach to Santa Monica.

I had moments when I doubted my decision to do this on my own; parts of the highway were not the most scenic and I felt a little uncomfortable passing through some areas of some cities; I felt a little panicked when I found parking on Venice Beach to be VERY tight, and when I couldn’t figure out how to open the fuel cap while sitting at the gas pump (it was simple, really – but I couldn’t find it in the owner’s manual!!); then it was dark by the time I was driving around LAX to find the car rental return.

In the end, I did not regret my decision.  I’m glad I took the risk and am convinced that it was a very fun way to round out my trip!

A Coaching Moment:

• what is something you would LOVE to do?
• what’s holding you back from doing it?
• what support can you create around moving forward on your dream – just one little step?

Warm in sunny California,
Jennifer

Listen on-line to the Conscious Life Radio Show – Today September 10th

Listen on-line today while one of my Wake Up Women co-authors, Christina South, and her co-host, Deborah Busch, interview me about The Power of Conscious and Intentional Relationships.  I’ll talk about how raising your awareness about what’s really going on in your relationship and being intentional about how you’re being in your relationship can create powerful positive changes.

Click on the link (in column to the right) to Conscious Life Radio and tune in at 5:00pm Eastern.  I’ll post the audio of the program once its available - I’d love to hear what you think!  (There are several other great  interviews there already – check them out!)

Warmly,
Jennifer

What I did on my summer vacation…

Do they still have the kids write a story about their summer vacations at school?  I’ll have to ask my step-kids when I see them this week!

My husband and I had a ‘relationship-filled’ summer this year… not with each other, either!  It really does seem that no matter what I do, my life revolves around family – of all kinds!

July was Chris’ turn to spend a couple of weeks with the kids and many members of his family – an ‘all-inclusive’ week at a cottage with the kids, his parents, and his niece and nephew. The kids had a blast tubing and swimming and fishing; they raved about the food, which was provided by the camp.  I was able to get away on my own for a few relaxing days with a girlfriend – aaaahhhhh.

When Chris and the kids returned from the cottage, they had several more days with Chris’ aunt and his niece, visiting Wonderland, shopping, swimming, golfing – basic summer fun!  Throughout that time, we had several houseguests, staying for varied periods of time, sometimes overlapping so some had to sleep on the floor.

While the boys went off for 2 weeks at Camp Muskoka, Chris, my step-daughter and I spent a weekend with MY family at a cousins’ cottage weekend in Muskoka. One of our favourite parts of the weekend was dressing up for dinner – all of us picking our favourite decade and dressing the part.

The month of July felt really busy with not much of a break from a lot of activity. But we both love spending time with family, so wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

Two weeks later at the beginning of August, I started my vacation.  Five of us traveled to New York and Pennsylvania for an annual family reunion; the kids always love this weekend because they enjoy the pool at the hotel so much! This year, the reunion was held at Midway State Park, where the kids spent a great deal of time in an arcade!

Once we returned home, Chris and I prepared for our big adventure to the Canadian North. My daughter, Sarah, lives with her partner (also Chris) in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. For those of you who don’t know where that is, its fairly far north – the territory is north of Alberta – and Yellowknife is only about 300 miles south of the Artic Circle.

Chris and I decided to travel via Ottawa to Iqaluit (capital city of Canada’s newest territory, Nunavut) and Rankin Inlet to Yellowknife. When we arrived in Iqaluit, it was only 6 degrees (which is only a bit above freezing), but it was clear and sunny.  Sea ice had blown into the bay during a storm a month earlier, but no storm had come through to blow it out again and Frobisher Bay is cold enough to keep the ice frozen.

When we arrived in Yellowknife later that same evening, it was about 25 degrees, and that weekend, Yellowknife was the warmest location in the country – 30 plus degrees!! Pretty extraordinary weather for that part of the country.

We had a great visit with Sarah and Chris (cherished time, since we only see them about 4 times a year) and met their two puppies.  We spent time boating, swimming, checking out the city (another territory capital – but small by ‘big city’ standards – only 20,000 people), sleeping in, watching the Olympics, and eating different foods (buffalo, caribou, artic char).  One of my favourites days was spent traveling a bit north of the city to Cameron Falls, which is a 20 minute trek up rocks to a lovely waterfall between Upper and Lower Cameron River.  It was a gorgeous sunny day and we were out in nature – perfect!

All in all, Chris and I traveled through 6 airports on that trip.  I had arranged a family brunch in Ottawa for the last day of our holiday. It was great to see more family that we hadn’t seen for quite a while (its been over a year since I’d seen most of them), as well as Sarah’s Chris’ parents.  (Sarah & Chris have been together long enough for his parents to be considered her in-laws.  Its a bit complicated, but we visited with my first husband’s family, Sarah’s in-laws, and my husband’s sister’s family… don’t try to figure it out!)

So, a successful and satisfying summer (not to mention busy!). The family theme continues even now – Chris is in Vancouver with his dad visiting aunts & an uncle, Sarah will be here for visit in 4 weeks, and then it will be Thanksgiving, which always means figuring out which family dinner is on which day!

Love it, and wouldn’t change a thing!!

Visiting with Sarah in Yellowknife, NWT

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Coaching Moment:

• What do you cherish about your family?

• What one step could you take this week to re-connect with someone you haven’t seen or spoken with for a while?

• Are there holiday plans you want to start making now?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you are curious about what Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching can do for you and your family, partner(s) or team, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

Five Magic Hours That Could Save Your Marriage

Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D., is a psychologist and leading US relationship expert who has conducted studies of thousands of couples at his “Love Lab” at The Gottman Institute in Seattle for over 30 years.  One of the ‘bibles’ for Relationship Coaches is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, co-authored by Dr. Gottman and Nan Silver.

In this book, Dr. Gottman describes a follow up study of couples who had previously attended workshops with The Gottman Institute, in which the researchers looked for what might distinguish couples whose marriages continued to improve from those whose marriages did not.  They were surprised to find that couples whose relationships continued to be strong were devoting only an extra five hours a week to their marriages.  Gottman calls these The Magic Five Hours.

Gottman found that these small, but important, steps when done consistently will improve and strengthen your relationship. At the end of the week, the total time for these steps is approximately five hours (that’s less than one hour a day to spend on your relationship!).

Partings—when you part in the morning make sure you’ve learned about one thing happening in your partner’s day. Estimated time: 2 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 10 minutes per week

Reunions— Spend 20 minutes at the end of each workday to reconnect and talk about your day. Such a conversation with reduce your stress at the end of the day. Estimated time: 20 minutes per day x 5 working days, totals 1 hour, 40 minutes per week

Admiration and Appreciation—Find some way every day to communicate genuine affection and appreciation toward your partner. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week

Affection—Kiss, hold, grab and touch each other while you’re together – be playful with each other.  Make sure to kiss each other before going to sleep. A kiss can be a way to let go of any minor irritations that may have built up over the day. Estimated time: 5 minutes per day x 7 days, totals 35 minutes per week

Weekly Date—Take at least two hours every week to stay connected in a low-pressure way.  Use the time to talk to get to know each other even more, update each other about important issues, go out on a date, and enjoy being together. You can also use the time to work through any arguments or issues that may have come up. Estimated time: 2 hours per week

This minimal amount of time spent regularly could go a long way in keeping your marriage on track!

A Coaching Moment:

• What has to change in your daily routine to make an extra 5 hours for each other (and for your marriage) over the course of a week?
• What would be some fun things to do together?
• What do you want more of from your spouse, and your relationship?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you are curious about what Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching can do for you and your spouse, or partner(s) or team, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

The Third Entity of Co-Leaders

My coaching partner and I have just completed an amazing three-day intensive ‘Co-Facilitation’ workshop, delivered through the Center for Right Relationship (CRR).  Besides being a wonderful weekend where we were immersed in the stuff of coaching and relationships (which we love), we had fabulous learning around our strengths and abilities as co-leaders, or co-facilitators, of the coaching programs and workshops we deliver together.

Since we had completed CRR’s Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching program in 2007, we were already aware of the concept of the “Third Entity,”  which can be described as the voice of a “system.”  The relationship between my partner and me is a separate entity in and of itself, and has its own needs and voice.  The key in Relationship and Systems Coaching is to tune into the voice of the Third Entity.

This workshop focused on training our Third Entity, and using what we learned in the delivery of a brief presentation to the other participants using a specific experiential learning model (which I think is a fantastic model).  Boy, did we learn a lot!  Concepts such as completing each other’s thoughts, showing a united front, casting spells, using roles of ‘teacher’, ‘colleague’ and ’starwalker’, and how to handle ’yellow balls’ & ’sceamers’ (learnings you want in the room & unexpected questions or comments) kept us on our toes (and kept me exhausted!).  The weekend was truly magical and empowering.

Our Third Entity was encouraged to bring out more playfulness, be more provocative, and ’sparkle’ more. It is very exciting for us work on ‘being’ more this way and add these elements into our delivery.  I think this will allow us to provide even more impactful programs and workshops.

A Coaching Moment:

• What are the qualities of your and your partner’s (or team members’) Third Entity?
• What qualities are wanting to be allowed to shine even more?
• How could you encourage your partner and/or other team members to take a look at how your Third Entity could be even more powerful?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you are curious about what Organization and Relationship Systems Coaching can do for you and your partner(s) or team, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer

Happy Father’s Day

Father’s Day has just passed, and I feel grateful to have so many men in my life to wish “Happy Father’s Day” to.

My husband, Chris, is a fantastic Dad to his 3 kids, and I’m very proud of the relationship he has with them.

My own Dad has been a model of love and compassion my whole life, and a lot of fun. He’s just returned from a 2-week trip to Scotland where he and my brother enjoyed a ’scotch-and-golf’ adventure.  I saw him last weekend at a family picnic, and will see him again next week when we have our annual family golf tournament (we all golf – my parents, siblings and most of our kids).

I am also fortunate to have two fathers-in-law!  One is my first – my first husband, Kenn’s father, with whom I’m still in touch and call on special occasions. I’ve know him since 1975 (today would have been my and Kenn’s 30th wedding anniversary).

My relationship with my second father-in-law is fairly new; Chris and I have been married just over 1 year, although I have been welcomed in my new in-laws’ home with open arms for 6 years now.

I know that not everyone has such good fortune.  Although my step-kids’ parents are divorced, the kids are fortunate to have exceptional parenting on both sides. Special days are shared and even on weekends when its not ‘his turn,’ Chris is able to spend the entire Father’s Day with them.

I came across the following tips about shared parenting on special days, written by Carolyn B. Ellis on SelfGrowth.com:

Divorce and separation can mean that special family holidays, like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, can end up being stressful and full of conflict. When you’re separated or divorced, what kind of role does the ex-spouse play in helping the children show that for their other parent?

Here are a few tips to ensure you can enjoy these special holidays!

1. Make a Plan in Advance

It’s important to be prepared in advance of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Agreement on how to handle these days can be included as part of your parenting plan. If at all possible, it’s great when the children can spend at least some time with the parent who has the special day happening. Don’t leave who’s going to be where with whom until the last minute.

 

2. Be Prepared to Give and Take
Negotiating with a former spouse is never easy, but you can gain a lot of cooperation in the long-term by being willing to reciprocate. One good turn deserves another. If the children are scheduled to be with their Dad on Mother’s Day, ask if you can arrange a switch or at least a part of the day that the kids can be with Mom. Offer to reciprocate in kind when Father’s Day rolls around.

3. Keep The Children’s Best Interests in Mind
Keep your children’s best interests at the top of your priority list. Unfortunately there seem to be divorced parents out there who need reminding of this. If you have power struggles going on with your ex, use a divorce coach or other professional to work it out so you can keep your children out of the cross-fire. Put yourself in the shoes of your children and see what would serve them best in this situation.

4. Support Your Children To Celebrate the Other Parent
Children sometimes need help and encouragement to express their appreciation for their parent, particularly when they are young. Even though you may not feel like sending off a Happy Mother’s Day card yourself, your children will. Remind them that a special day is coming up and see what they need. Perhaps you can take them to the drug store to get a gift, or ensure they have supplies so they can make their own card.

 

5. Creating Special Moments
Ultimately Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are not about the gifts. It’s about creating and sharing special moments with Mom or Dad. Teach your children it isn’t necessary to “buy” a gift. Simple events like a board game, walk in the park, or preparing Mom or Dad breakfast in bed can be far more meaningful to both the parent and the child.

6. New Partners in the Picture
When Mom or Dad has someone new in the picture, should the children celebrate them too? It depends on the nature of the relationship. Follow your children’s lead in this department. If they want to include the new step-mom or step-dad, that’s great! If it feels awkward or disloyal to them, don’t force it upon them just because it might make you feel better.

 

 

See Carolyn’s article at http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/divorce_politics_6_tips_to_handle.html

 

A Coaching Moment:

What’s important to you about how you celebrate Special Family Days?

If you have children, how do you teach them the importance of maintaining good relationships?

Happy Belated Father’s Day to all you Dads out there!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you are curious about what Relationship Coaching can do for you and your partner, feel free to send me an email at trilogy@pathcom.com to request a free sample session.

Warmly,
Jennifer